Saturday, March 17, 2012


Because I refuse to get off my lazy ass and get my daughter a drink after I have worked all day, I am lazy.

And my job isn't nearly as hard as working serving ersatz Chinese food for four hours a day.

The house is a mess because I refuse to clean it, not because my kids also do not pick up after themselves.

I never cook. It's not because no one appreciates or eat the food I cook after working all day. Because after all, my work is not hard.

I am expected to justify what I do around the house all day.

I don't give my daughter anything-- the only thing she asks for is lunch money. Somehow, the housing fairy has provided her with a roof over her head, the electricity fairy has provided her with heat and air conditioning and light and hot water, the clothes fairy has provided her clothes, the makeup fairy has provided her makeup, the car fairy has provided her car, the insurance fairy has provided her insurance, the graduation fairy has provided her senior pictures and her announcements and her cap and gown, and next year the tuition fairy should provide her with tuition since her grades will not bring her any scholarships, which no one ever warned her about, by the way. And apparently I imagine her walking up to me every other day and asking for more lunch money since she has left the money I gave her previously at home. But I never give her anything.

She sleeps on a bed without sheets because I am too lazy to do wash and clean the sheets and make the bed for her.

I should let her do whatever she wants and go wherever she wants and come home whenever she wants because all the other kids get to do that.

I should ignore the two rear-end collisions she has caused in the last year because, after all, I have had two accidents in the past 30 years myself.

Next year she will be completely independent and I won't be able to tell her a single thing.

I have no right to take away her phone because she will just get one and pay for it on her own with the princely sums she makes serving ersatz Chinese food.

I have never been right about anything.

An accident means it is not her fault, even if the same "accident" keeps happening over and over.

Any teacher who questions her has a bug up their ass or is unfair or never tells her when deadlines are or is unreasonable to expect her to read a 250 page book in six weeks.

She is trying really hard! Or she will be once "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" is over, because she never gets to relax. College will be so much easier than this! And she will be an independent adult there!

She is just being honest when she calls other people rude or a bitch or fat or ugly or a "retard."

All of her former friends are retards, and anything she doesn't like is "gay."

The counselors at school that she likes have told her that I need to listen to her whenever she wants to argue or I am a bad mom. The counselor that told me she was seeing a boy who was threatening her is a nosy bitch who had no right to do that and she'll never talk to her again.

I am an evil hypocrite if I lose my temper after hours and days of harassment, but she should be allowed to scream at me because two hours later when she wants something she will tell me it was an accident and she didn't mean it.

She is an adult-- who cries when she doesn't get her way because that is how adults behave, or who keeps asking over and over again if she doesn't get the answer she wants.

But I?

I am the world's worst mother. How are you?

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